A forbidden love

SmokePaw glanced around the Tall-tree. It is the gathering, and this is his first one. He bounded to the clearing, where the BayClan cats are. A beautiful white she-cat padded to him with shy, glowing blue eyes. "Hello there. I'm FeatherPaw Of ForestClan. And You?" SmokePaw gaped at her then choked out. "I'm SmokePaw of BayClan." FeatherPaw Purred And Sat Down Close To Him, He Felt That His Fur Is Burning Up. ShimmerStar Of BayClan Stood Up. "All Is Well With BayClan. We Have Three New Apprentices. SmokePaw, LakePaw, And DarkPaw! And A New Warrior. StormSlash! We Have No Two-legs On Our Territory, And We Have Many Food." "SmokePaw! LakePaw! DarkPaw! StormSlash!" The Other Clans Cheered, Although PineClan Kept Silent. A Chilly Wind Came In, And FeatherPaw Pressed Her Pelt To His. His Heart Ached. [/b]We're In Diffrent Clans. But I Love Her.[b] He Thought. He Wanted To Wail Out Loud. "BayClan Had Been Stealing Our Prey!" ClawStar Hissed. "We Have Not!" His Mentor GrayStorm Meowed Angrily. "Stop. This Is A Gathering!" The Medicine Cat BreezeClaw Of CloudClan Called. MeadowStar Quickly Step In. "All Is Well In ForestClan. We Have A New Apprentice:FeatherPaw." "FeatherPaw!" He Yowled. ShineStar Flicked Her Tail To Show She Have Nothing To Report. "The Gatheirng Is An End!" ShimmerStar Called. "FeatherPaw. Meet Me By The Oak Tonight." He Whispered. FeatherPaw Nodded. "Okay." But As ShimmerStar Lead Them Back Home, He Can't Help But Cast Another Glance At The Beautifu Young She-cat.

SmokePaw Ate The Mouse Guilty. He Is Meeting FeatherPaw Tonight.

He Sat Down At The Oak, Waiting For FeatherPaw. A Scent Drifted By, And He Sniffed. He Froze. That's Not FeatherPaw's Scent! He Thought In Dismay. "W-who Are You?" A Brown Tabby Apprentice Stammered. "You?" He Countered. "DaisyPaw." "SmokePaw." Another Scent Drifted By. "StonePaw!" DaisyPaw Hissed. StonePaw Narrowed His Eyes. "So Your SmokePaw?" "Yeah." "Why Are You Here?" StonePaw Snarled. "Why Are YOU Here?" He Flashed Back. "SmokePaw?" A Gentle Voice Meowed. "FeatherPaw!" He Exclaimed. "Disloyal To Your Clan." StonePaw Remarked. "You Too." "If You Guys Are Meeting Each Other, And We Are Meeting Each Other, How About All Of Us Meet Next Quarter-Moon?" FeatherPaw Asked. "Great Idea!" DaisyPaw's Eyes Shined. "Okay." StonePaw Meowed. SmokePaw Brushed His Pelt With FeatherPaw, And Rubbed Her Muzzle. "See You At Quarter-Moon." He Promised. The Others Soon Went To Their Own Territory. He Narrowed His Eyes. He Crouched, And Stalked A Squirrel. He Gave It A Quick Bite On The Throat And Trotted To Camp. "Good Job. Didn't See You Go Out." Meowed LynxSoul. "I Went From The Dirt-Place Tunnel." He Lied. He Layed His Catch, Went To His Nest, And Curled Into It. He Betrayed His Clan. He Made Another Promise. He's Going To Meet DaisyPaw, StonePaw, And His Precious Love, FeatherPaw Next Quarter-Moon.

SmokePaw Yawned And Woke Up. His Thoughts Was All Filled With FeatherPaw. He Woke Up Quickly And Scampered To The Fresh-Kill Pile. LakePaw Nudged Him. "You Seem Sleepy." DarkPaw Rolled Her Eyes. "Of Course He Is! We Just Became Apprentices For A Quarter-Moon. We're All Tired." "He Seems Extra sleepy." LakePaw Protested. "Stop Bickering." He Meowed. "Hey SmokePaw! We're Going On A Hunting Patrol." GrayFrost Called. At Last I Can Get Away From Them He Bounded Toward GrayStorm. "Come On!" He Meowed Cheerfully. GrayFrostFlicked His Tail To LynxSoul And DoveFeather. "Let's Go." He Meowed.

SmokePaw Bounded Cheerfully Into His Nest. He Caught Two Squirrels, And Two Birds. GrayStorm Was Impressed And Let Him Pick The First Pick Of The Fresh-Kill Pile. I Wish Quarter Moon Is Soon He Thought Happily.

Here's a tip, I hope you don't mind. But you keep changing your tense. (Don't worry, I do it, too! (
Here's an example: SmokePaw glanced around the Tall-tree. It is the gathering, and this is his first one. He bounded to the clearing, where the BayClan cats are



The bold words are in the wrong tense.
By saying "SmokePaw glanced" - Glanced is past tense. Then you say "Is" Which is present tense.

Past tense:

SmokePaw glanced around the Tall-tree. It was the gathering, and this was his first one. He bounded to the clearing, where the BayClan cats were.

Present tense:

SmokePaw glances around the Tall-tree. It is the gathering, and this is his first one. He bounds to the clearing, where the BayClan cats are.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I just think you're a great writer, and I'd like to help improve your skills(:

I do that all the time also xD

Same here, I do it in RP lots. xD

My sentences always seem to clash, I suck at RPing. xD

xD I do it so much, I think everyone does. xD

good story!

thanks.

Awesome!

Thanks for the tips, Eclipsed. I'm grateful.

SmokePaw Yawned. "GrayFrost, Are You Okay?!" A Voice Wailed. He Dashed OutSide Then Realized His Mentor Is Bleeding Badly. "GrayFrost....?"He Asked Quietly. GrayFrost Opened His Eyes Slightly. "SmokePaw......Careful......Of Cave.......At The Owl Forest.......O-owls....Many......With A....."He Gasped. "What, GrayFrost?" He Demanded, Nervous. "Dog." GrayFrost Whispered, And Collasped. He Took His Last, Shuddering Breath, And His Eyes Became Dull. "GrayFrost!" He Yowled. "StarClan! Why Are You So Cruel!?" He Whimpered. DoveFeather, GrayFrost Sister, Push Her Nose Into GrayFrost's Fur. "Why Did I Ever Let Him Go To The Owl Forest Alone?" She Whispered, Eyes Dull With Greif. LynxSoul Brushed Her Pelt. "It's Not Your Fault." He Murmered. SmokePaw Couldn't Stand It. He Raced Out Of The Camp, Not Caring The Reeds That's Sticking On His Fur. "GrayFrost!" He Meowed, Tears Streaming Down His Cheek. He Raced To The ForestClan Border, And Start To Head To The Lake. He Suddenly Smelled A Soft, Gentle, Sweet Scent. "FeatherPaw?" He Murmered. "SmokePaw!" FeatherPaw Purred. He Glance At Her, His Eyes Still Dull From Grief, Although His Eyes Brightend Slightly. "Hello FeatherPaw. I Missed You." He Meowed, Rubbing His Cheek Along Hers. "Are You Okay?" FeatherPaw Looked At Him With Concern. "GrayFrost, My Mentor, Died Today. He Got Murdered By Owls And A Dog."He Wailed. FeatherPaw Closed Her Beautiful Crystal Blue Eyes Breifly, Then Opened Them Again. She Brushed His Pelt And Rubbed Her Cheek Along His. "EveryThing Will Be Fine." She Promised. "You Have Me." SmokePaw Stared At Her, His Emerald Green Eyes Brighting, The Became Dull. "I Hope I Won't Lose You." He Whispered. "I Can't Bear It. I Hope I Won't." FeatherPaw's Eyes Shined. "SmokePaw, Don't Worry. You Will Never Lose Me, I Swear By StarClan." She Promised. He Purred. "Then Make Sure You Keep It." He Purred.

CinderStorm, This Story Is Amazing! I Love It! One Thing Though: GrayStorm Turned Into GrayFrost Over Night. And Yay, Im In The Story! (On LynxSoul Account)

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OTTERSPLASH

this is awesome